Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we made out on top of his cat.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
and you fell through a lawn chair
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
