I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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