watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
