Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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