Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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