Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
