Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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