As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize