i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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