tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
