I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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