i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
