My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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