Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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