remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
