I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
