I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
