I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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