The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
