The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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