1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
