defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
