he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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