we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
