I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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