you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
