thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
