you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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