ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
