come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
