Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
