dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
