We won't sleep together?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
