it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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