can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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