Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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