Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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