I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
