no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
