Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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