we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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