Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
40s are totally the cure
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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