She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
