I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
two words: eviction party
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
