dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
