My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
