I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
