neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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