the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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