I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
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