so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
