Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
