Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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