Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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