Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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