he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i dont even know how to be here
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
