hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
