I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
