I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
