My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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