He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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